Trouble at the Storm Front

I am so angry! So, so, so, so angry!! I have worked so hard in my field and I just continue to get brutalized. I am sick of project managers making assumptions about me and my work. Have the balls to come to me and clear it up!

I just want to throw my business cards at her freakin' head! Why do I keep running into these cold women in this field? I swear they forget what it's like to be a young engineer. How the hell am I suppose to learn if you won't teach me?

I want to quit, but I know that's not going to do me or anyone else any good. I will continue to fight through this hardship. Even if I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

I looked up to her. I wanted to learn from her, why did she quit on me? I deserve better than that. I worked hard for her.

Crazy Times

This week has been very eventful and it's only Wednesday! My best friend had her baby yesterday. It was a planned C-section so I knew it was coming, but I had no idea the emotion I would have behind it. I received her last email before giving birth early yesterday and I teared up. I was sad for losing the friendship I've known all these years; yet, excited for a new chapter.

As soon as I got a call from Jeremy giving me an update, all those emotions went away and I was very excited. I didn't think I was actually going to meet the little tyke yesterday, but Matt and I ended up going to visit after work. I have to say Mikayla is a beautiful baby. She's sooooo cute. I never thought I'd see the day where Debbie Deany Weany would have a child. But she did and I'm proud of her.

So yeah, I sacrificed my workout yesterday to meet my best friend's baby. And I'd do it again in a heart beat! It was wonderful!

Oops I...

...over did it again.

Well, once again I totally over did it at the gym today. I got so sick that I couldn't get ready afterwards so Matt and I could go out on the town. Instead we drove around while I laid back until I felt well enough to eat and stand up.

This sickness has got to stop! I don't normally over do it as much as I did today, but I always feel somewhat sick afterwards. I am really under the idealism that you don't have to push yourself that much to get results. But I was trained for months by personal trainers to work this hard.

So Matt and I made a new rule today: no grimacing. If you are grimacing while lifting weights, you are working too hard.

I know part of the reason I over did it today is because I haven't worked out at all this week and I was trying to make up for it. I haven't been feeling well the last couple of weeks. I've really allowed my emotional stress get the best of me. But I've been really even on my diet and that's great.

Here are the positive things I've done this week:

-Drank only one soda (I've been substituting with green tea or jasmine green tea, which is my new favorite tea)
-Making sure I eat a lot of fruit during the day
-Didn't eat any delicious sweets at our company picnic
-Didn't get a free small popcorn at the movies

My goals next week are to workout 4 times and loose 2 pounds.

First Hike

Matt and I went on our first hike of the summer today at Twin Falls near Snoqualmie. I was kind of hesitant knowing how hard hikes are for me still, but Matt insisted and I knew it would be good for both of us.

He remembered it being a pretty easy and short hike, but oh were we surprised by long, steep grades for most of the duration of the hike. It was a pretty tough hike up. I had to stop a lot to catch my breath. At one time, I was so tired that I wanted to quit, but Matt kept urging me on.

It was more than worth it. It was absolutely gorgeous. I could have stared at those falls for hours. I am so proud of us for getting out and getting through it together. It was a great experience.

We really do round each other out well. I am good at pushing us to the gym and he is good at pushing us outside. It's a great thing.

I have been working really hard lately on not being negative about splurges or missing a workout. So I've decided to share and celebrate my successes and brush off any negative thinking.

These are the successes I am proud of this week:

-Worked out on Monday even though I had a headache
-Only allowed myself one soda for the week.
-Ordered a turkey wrap and fruit at Rock Bottom for lunch when I was starving and really wanted a burger.
-Had frozen yogurt instead of ice cream at Pike Place Market today.
-Ate raw vegetables almost every day.
-Bought fudge bars instead of ice cream for this hot weekend.

Mother's Day

Well, after weeks of hearing and seeing Mother's Day advertising, it's finally over. What a rough week. From having to take Tuesday off because I needed a day to cry and reflect (as well as throwing things at every Mother's Day commercial I saw) to dealing with my grandma taking out the family drama on me last night, it's finally over.

I have had to be a support system for my dad, brother and grandma this week and it really left me hardly any time to reflect or deal with the pain in my heart that I feel. And it's finally hitting me. All I want to do is curl up in bed and cry, but I know I have to be strong and keep going.

I wonder if this day will ever be easy. Even when I have my own kids. I miss my mom.

INSPIRATIONS

To get myself back into the weightloss game, I decided to put down on paper what my big inspirations are for losing the weight. I am quite disappointed that I have gained back more weight (and more weight than I'd like to admit) and my focus on my weightloss journey has been lackluster for the past few months. These inspirations have helped me kick-start my journey again:

Love: Inspiration to love myself enough to complete this journey.

Hiking: Inspiration to go on a hike and not get embarassingly winded.

Wedding: Inspiration to look good in my wedding dress.

Having a child: Inspiration to have enough energy and endurance to enjoy my child.

Healthy Heart: Inspiration to stay healthy and live long.

Personal Trainer: Inspiration to be able to do my dream job.

Sexy shoes: Inspiration to be able to wear these shoes for an entire evening.

Pilates: Inspiration to do this move for more than 2 seconds.

The Beach: Inpiration to feel good in a bathing suit.

Roller Coasters: Inspiration to never fear not fitting into the seat of a ride.

Skinny Jeans: Inspiration to look killer in jeans.

These are my inspirations.

Holy Cheesecake Batman!!

I was sooooo proud of myself yesterday. I went out to lunch for a KPUFF ex-co-worker's bday and we ordered a chocolate cheesecake (heeelllllooooo sweetness!) and I didn't even have one bite! Man, that was hard. It looked so creamy and delicious.

I've dropped some weight and inches lately and that's the first time I've been able to say that in a couple of months. I keep telling people I'm trying to lose my 'in love' weight. Matt's been working out too. Not as much as me, but he's trying. It's been a lot of fun working out with him. He's much like me, once you get him to the gym, he works really hard. We actually made a friend at the gym on Monday. He came up to us and told us how hard we were working and hoped he'd never have to work that hard. Ha! He was a crack up. I hope I see him again.

Life has been pretty good. I found a great job within a week of being laid off and have been working here for 6 weeks now. I can't even tell you how refreshing it is to work with such great people. I feel lucky to have this opportunity.

Matt and I are starting the process of buying a townhouse. I am very excited for this venture. We also have decided to set up a joint savings account for our future endeavors such as wedding, travels, pets and little wiggles (kids). Yayyy for us! I have to say I love this man more than I ever imagined I could love someone. I am so grateful to have him and treasure his presence in my life every day.

I hope to lose 30 pounds before August. I want to feel good when we go to Mexico! I can't freakin' wait!! Yahooooo!