'The devil's trying to hold me down. All I hope for is that my feet don't fail me now.'
I crashed last night. I crashed hard. I have always had to fight a subconscious battle of sabotage within myself. There is some fear in me that either doesn't think I can succeed or doesn't feel I deserve it. Finding the reason why these feelings exist is the hard part. I've been successful in other areas of my life and I am one motivated woman so this struggle frustrates me. Maybe from all the name calling and negative feed back about my weight through the years affected me deeper than I realize. To tell myself that I'm beautiful and really mean it is a difficult thing for me.
I usually eat dinner before tutoring, but I ate a late lunch yesterday and wasn't really hungry by the time I had to leave work for the tutoring center. After the sessions, I went to the store and was starving at this point. I made a salad from the salad bar, grabbed a ciabatta roll and a bag of Sour Cream and Yogurt Kettle chips. What happened? Well, I'll tell you. I ate way too much and ended up freaking out and making myself throw up as much as I could. I struggled with this a lot after the break-up of my last relationship. And it took me awhile to stablize, but somehow last night I just kind of freaked out. And I think the fact that I'm getting measured today for the fat burning contest might have had something to do with it.
So, where to go frome here? I forgive myself and move on and work hard at not letting it happen again. I had a great workout this morning, did kickboxing class, 10 min. of bike and a bunch of oblique/hip/butt toning exercises. I feel good. I feel ok. I'm not going to let this experience get me. I am in control and I forgive myself.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Monday, May 28, 2007
My head is spinning...
I was soooo dizzy today. I kind of thought it had something to do with not taking my medication for over a day since I forgot to bring some down with me. I managed to get a lot done regardless though. I did advanced Taebo today. Man, was I sweating. I did pretty well, I was proud of myself. The only thing about Billy Blanks that bugs me is the constant counting, but I guess it's there for a reason. I did that for 35 minutes and then did toning on my shoulders, back and legs.
I had a pretty good day. I spent 2 hours cleaning my dad's garage. I kept active all day long even with not feeling too well.
I kicked ass on my eating today! Wahoo! Btw, 2 pieces of licorice has 140 calories. Eek! Not a light snack at all. I resisted pizza and ice cream cravings today. I don't know why I've struggled with cravings so much the past couple of days. It might be because I didn't take my flaxseed oil either day.
I'm watching Oprah right now and they're discussing how african americans struggle with being black. It's very interesting. I can't imagine dealing with that scrutiny from others, even others of the same skin color. Self-worth is such a hard thing to gain and maintain. I have dealt with it all my life. Growing up overweight and being made fun constantly really took a toll on me. And the verbal abuse I got from my father made it even worse. My low self-worth got me into 2 really bad relationships in the past couple of years and even allowed someone of real negativity bring me down. I thought she was my friend, but she wasn't. Coming off of probably the lowest time of my life after my last relationship was extremely difficult. I was in so much pain. I had so many people make me wrong for making mistakes. But somehow, I managed to stay focused on my end goals, stay strong, dig deep and now I feel solid. I still have emotional breakdowns, but they are far and few between these days. I am so enjoying being a strong woman. For the first time, I know what I want and I won't stop until I get it.
I am kind of scared to weigh myself tomorrow morning. I only have 3 days before the fat burning contest is over. I really want to be under 240 by then. After that, I have 3 months to get under 200. I noticed today that I feel better when I count calories. I've kind of slacked off the past week and it makes me weary and uneasy. I'm going to make it a point to count everyday. It helps me stay focused.
Ok, off to bed!
I had a pretty good day. I spent 2 hours cleaning my dad's garage. I kept active all day long even with not feeling too well.
I kicked ass on my eating today! Wahoo! Btw, 2 pieces of licorice has 140 calories. Eek! Not a light snack at all. I resisted pizza and ice cream cravings today. I don't know why I've struggled with cravings so much the past couple of days. It might be because I didn't take my flaxseed oil either day.
I'm watching Oprah right now and they're discussing how african americans struggle with being black. It's very interesting. I can't imagine dealing with that scrutiny from others, even others of the same skin color. Self-worth is such a hard thing to gain and maintain. I have dealt with it all my life. Growing up overweight and being made fun constantly really took a toll on me. And the verbal abuse I got from my father made it even worse. My low self-worth got me into 2 really bad relationships in the past couple of years and even allowed someone of real negativity bring me down. I thought she was my friend, but she wasn't. Coming off of probably the lowest time of my life after my last relationship was extremely difficult. I was in so much pain. I had so many people make me wrong for making mistakes. But somehow, I managed to stay focused on my end goals, stay strong, dig deep and now I feel solid. I still have emotional breakdowns, but they are far and few between these days. I am so enjoying being a strong woman. For the first time, I know what I want and I won't stop until I get it.
I am kind of scared to weigh myself tomorrow morning. I only have 3 days before the fat burning contest is over. I really want to be under 240 by then. After that, I have 3 months to get under 200. I noticed today that I feel better when I count calories. I've kind of slacked off the past week and it makes me weary and uneasy. I'm going to make it a point to count everyday. It helps me stay focused.
Ok, off to bed!
Sunday, May 27, 2007
You poked my yoke!
I am still sore from my run this morning. I can't believe I was able to do so much on so little sleep. And I felt kind of mushy and really wanted to do some toning, but knew I really needed a cardio day so I resisted and all was well in the world.
Today was pretty good until my dad decided to go on a rampage. We were supposed to go see Pirates III, but apparently that will have to wait. It kind of sucks because we had all had such a great day before 'the incident.' I know he struggles with it so much and feels terrible guilt from it. It kills me to see. It has gotten so much better and we all are working together to find hormonious unity, but sometimes it is such a struggle. But we will find our way.
Today was my great grandmother's 88th bday. We went over to visit and help celebrate and I got to meet her younger sister whom I don't remember at all. There's a whole bunch of our family that lives on Vashon Island that we don't see very often. Lately, I have really had an inkling to get to know the older generation of our family better. I am going to help plan a family reunion with my grams and also get all the old ladies to go whale watching again. We did it a few years back and it was a lot of fun. It makes me feel good to know where I came from and learn of relatives I never got to meet. My cookie grandma (great great grandma) lost 3 sons in WWII. Their names are on the memorial down in Olympia. One was, I think Harry Rhodes, was killed in Pearl Harbor. That's some major history. I guess I also take on this responsibility since I'm the oldest of my generation and I really want them to be remembered and have their stories told.
The only bad thing I ate today was black licorice. I was fighting some major chocolate cravings, but didn't give in. I stayed strong and stuck to cherries. And they were some good cherries. Oh, I found turkey jerky (I love saying that) at Costco and bought some, but then thought it was gross. But I did accidently get the teriyaki kind so maybe that's it. It was quite disappointing. It would be a great low fat/high protein diet.
Ok, offs to bed. Hope everyone had a wonderful day!
Today was pretty good until my dad decided to go on a rampage. We were supposed to go see Pirates III, but apparently that will have to wait. It kind of sucks because we had all had such a great day before 'the incident.' I know he struggles with it so much and feels terrible guilt from it. It kills me to see. It has gotten so much better and we all are working together to find hormonious unity, but sometimes it is such a struggle. But we will find our way.
Today was my great grandmother's 88th bday. We went over to visit and help celebrate and I got to meet her younger sister whom I don't remember at all. There's a whole bunch of our family that lives on Vashon Island that we don't see very often. Lately, I have really had an inkling to get to know the older generation of our family better. I am going to help plan a family reunion with my grams and also get all the old ladies to go whale watching again. We did it a few years back and it was a lot of fun. It makes me feel good to know where I came from and learn of relatives I never got to meet. My cookie grandma (great great grandma) lost 3 sons in WWII. Their names are on the memorial down in Olympia. One was, I think Harry Rhodes, was killed in Pearl Harbor. That's some major history. I guess I also take on this responsibility since I'm the oldest of my generation and I really want them to be remembered and have their stories told.
The only bad thing I ate today was black licorice. I was fighting some major chocolate cravings, but didn't give in. I stayed strong and stuck to cherries. And they were some good cherries. Oh, I found turkey jerky (I love saying that) at Costco and bought some, but then thought it was gross. But I did accidently get the teriyaki kind so maybe that's it. It was quite disappointing. It would be a great low fat/high protein diet.
Ok, offs to bed. Hope everyone had a wonderful day!
Adventures with Shirley
Elizabeth and I hit the town this evening. We met at Bahama Rama Breeze and had ourselves a delightful appetizer and delicious entree. I ate until I was full, fuller than I usually allow myself to get. I kind of freaked out a bit, but knew we would burn some calories later bowling. We had a great conversation at dinner and then went shopping where we both dropped a pretty dime. Dangerous territory. I still haven't dropped a pant size since, which is kind of disappointing. But we got some cute clothes nonetheless.
Elizabeth introduced me to her favorite skinny store, Forever 21, and we both claimed that we would one day shop there. I can't wait. After shopping, we headed to Acme bowl and bowled two games. She whooped me bum, but that's ok because later on at her house, I whooped her and her husband's bum at Dread Pirate. Which is a game I've decided I must have.
I feel ok with eating more than usual and I feel in control. I even had some chips at E's house, but didn't go crazy. And I'm going to bed kind of hungry. Tomorrow I will do better and get a good run in. I am anxious because this is the last week for the fat burning contest. I really want to win, I have really worked my bum off the past few weeks. My fingers are crossed!!
Elizabeth introduced me to her favorite skinny store, Forever 21, and we both claimed that we would one day shop there. I can't wait. After shopping, we headed to Acme bowl and bowled two games. She whooped me bum, but that's ok because later on at her house, I whooped her and her husband's bum at Dread Pirate. Which is a game I've decided I must have.
I feel ok with eating more than usual and I feel in control. I even had some chips at E's house, but didn't go crazy. And I'm going to bed kind of hungry. Tomorrow I will do better and get a good run in. I am anxious because this is the last week for the fat burning contest. I really want to win, I have really worked my bum off the past few weeks. My fingers are crossed!!
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