Fight La Resistance

I fought and won a battle this morning. Matt wanted to buy us breakfast and so we went through Jack in the Box's drive thru. I didn't see any healthy items so I didn't get anything and just came into work and ate my oatmeal and banana for breakfast. I was sooooo proud of myself.

I've been struggling so much lately trying to get back on track. It's been so frustrating. I had a great talk with my dad about it yesterday and he had some great points. I had something wonderful come into my life that I could loose. And when I get scared, I head back into old habits. So, I faced the fear of losing Matt yesterday. I can't let that fear stop me from reaching my personal weight loss goal.

We also discussed how I resist the unknown. I don't know the skinny world. I've been heavy all my life. It's scary. I don't know how to beat that part of it. I know I want and need to lose the weight, but it's scary. It's hard. All I can do is be aware of it and deal with it until I overcome it.

For now, I will continue to fight la resistance to reach my goals. I feel so much better, inside and out when I workout on a regular basis and eat right. I didn't workout today because I am major sore from my workout yesterday. But I will get at least 5 days in this week and the following weeks. I gave myself a goal yesterday to fit into my skinny jeans by January. So, here we go!!

New Regiment

The last few months I have been very inconsistent with my weightloss. Between falling in love, getting sick for like a month, vacation in London that resulted in a week of exhausting jet lag and surgery, it has just been a tough battle for me. But in that craziness, I have changed a few things in my diet that I am very excited about.

I completely changed over to soy milk and really enjoy it. I've never felt comfortable drinking milk and recently have been aware of homogeonized milk's health risks, that include heart disease and cancer. I've also changed over to organic fruits, vegetables and eggs. I think when Trader Joe's opens in Ballard, I will make a change to eat organic meat as well.

The past couple of weeks, Matt and I have been making a conscious effort to eat better. We've been grocery shopping for the week on the weekend and planning out our meals. It's been really nice. We kind of got lost in the whole whirlwind of a new couple and going out to eat all the time. It's been refreshing to cook at home. I like treating going out to eat as a treat.

There's still some demons I'm fighting right now with my weightloss, but I feel like I am getting to a point again where it'll be my main focus again. I've been training with my friend Rebekah, which has been a blessing in disguise for both of us. I can afford training sessions easier and Rebekah has been working out like a mad woman. I'm proud of her. It's funny 'cause she keeps saying what an inspiration I am to her, but lately she's been an inspiration to me.

Got get ready for the gymies! Have a great day!

It's Over!

I had to do a scary thing today, but I did it and it was all for my health. I had learned over a year ago that I had contracted the HPV virus. A sexually transmitted virus carried by men and women that can eventually cause cervical cancer. For the past year and a half, I've had to have a papsmear every four months to determine if my body was going to fight the virus on it's own. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case, so I had to take the next step. To rid the cervix of infected cells, my doctor had to perform a LEEP procedure.

The LEEP procedure involves burning the cells with an electic loop. They numb the cervix before starting the procedure. It wasn't half as painful as I thought it was going to be. I thought the colposcopy to test if I had HPV was worst than this. I have to get papsmears every four months for the next two years to monitor the effectiveness of the procedure. I have a check-up appt. in 3 weeks that will determine if they burned off all infected cells.

I feel it's important to share this with as many women as I can. Awareness is the key to happy, healthy lives.

Run Forrest, Run!

I think I almost ran my legs off this morning. I did 20 or so minutes on the treadmill before Ashley came and got me (oh yeah, Ashley is baaaacccckkk!!) and I was already running and I went to stop it and she told me to keep going 'cause that's what she has me doing today. I kind of wished I hadn't done the treadmill beforehand. She had me doing a circuit where I ran for 2 minutes at speed 4.5. At first she had me on 6 and I was looking at her like she was a crazy person. I would have been like Road Runner on that speed. Then we did lat pulls using a band, then 2 minutes of running, then biceps with band, 2 minutes of running, lat presses with band, 2 minutes of running and continued that until our time was up. I was pooped, but somehow mustered to do 10 minutes worth of abs afterwards. I am still walking slowly from it. Whew!

I am on this organic fruit/soy milk/frozen yogurt smoothie kick. It's freakin' delicious! I stopped drinking milk a long time ago because of all the health problems it causes, but I still need milk to have some of my favorite foods. I finally ventured to the organic soy world and it's not so bad. I am going to try and keep nothing but organic fruits and veggies in my diet.

And I'm also reconfiguring my diet. I'm going to start with a smoothie and then eat my protein after my workout. I just get too hungry after working out and am sick of having to eat a blueberry bar every hour. It gets annoying!! So we'll see how this goes.

It's good to be back!!

Kick Baby, Kick!

Boy, I'm telling you. I hadn't done kick-boxing in two weeks and I surely felt it this morning. I was tired 10 minutes into the class, but I stayed strong and fought through until the end. She had us do a ton of kicks today and a lot of push-ups. Oh and of course, after my plankalicious workout yesterday, she made us do one-minute of planks. I cheated and was on my knees half way through it. My arms are tired people! Don't judge me! ;)

After class, I went into the gym and did some more ab work. I've been getting back into Pilates. I was trying to do Pilates once a week, but I just got busy with everything else that I lost touch with it. For the past two weeks, I've been incorporating it into my ab work and it feels good. I forget sometimes how much it works your core and how stronger you get from that type of exercise. I don't have time to do a complete Pilates workout with everything else, but I'm definitely going to make sure I do Pilates ab work at least twice a week. I think it's important.

Ok kids, I have to get up at 4:30 tomorrow morning to make it to a 6am spinning class! Wish me luck!! 'Cause I need it! :)

Holy Planks Batman!!

Shirley and I were just talking about planks yesterday, how strange that my workout would be centered around planks this morning. I do have to say that spinning class has inspired me. I did 20 minutes on the up-right bike this morning, a machine I tend to avoid because of the ass-hurtin' issues. I had my heartrate up over 170 for a big portion of it, it felt good!

So, Ash had me do a ciruit of shoulder/plank exercises today. It involved shoulder presses with 12 pounders, L-raises with 10 pounders and elbow lifts with 12 pounders. I think I am ready to go to 15 pounds though. In between arm exercises, I had to do one minute planks on the bose ball. Not just normal planks, but side planks! Side planks! One minute each side!! Holy moly mother of Moses! It was insane, I thought my arm was going to fall off.

It was a great workout. I won't get to work with Ash again for 2 and half weeks, this makes me so sad. I will miss her while she's on vacation. Woe is me. But I will make her proud while she's gone! Tomorrow is kick-boxing and Friday is spinning class. Wahoo!

I Can't Walk!!

I am sooooooooo sore. Soooooo sore, I can barely get up. I did my first spinning class on Saturday and it was for an entire hour! I can't believe that my first spinning class was for A FULL HOUR!! I got through it just fine though, I was so proud. The only thing that really made it uncomfortable was the seat. Why do they have to make them so hard? I don't understand. You don't have to feel like your ass is being burnt off to get a good workout in people. I just don't get it.

I am still so touched that Ashley kept her schedule clean to see me through the class. She knew I needed her there for her support and it just meant so much to me. She even told me today how proud she was of me and how impressed she was with my enthusiasm throughout the class. Ahhhh, tear.

But seriously, I think she's trying to kill me. She had me do the stairclimber for four 2-minute intervals with squats holding a 40 pound bar and butt clinches with the same bar. I don't know if I'll be able to walk tomorrow. It should be entertaining no matter what. Right now, I'm avoiding stairs at all costs!

But as they say: no pain, no gain. And amen, do I believe it!! So between running like a madwoman on the treadmill this morning to doing the stairclimber, which used to kill me, it was a very successful day. I see my endurance improving quite marvelously.

Push hard, stay strong and remember that your mind will go out on you before your body.

Just Keep Swimming

Man, I have had a rough time with exhaustion lately. My alarm went off at the right time this morning, but I fell back asleep and didn't wake up until 6:45am! I totally panicked! I didn't want to miss my training session and ended up shooting out of bed, packing like a mad woman, shoving a piece of cheese down my throat and running out the door. And I still didn't get into the gym until 7:40. Ashley is such a sweetheart, she re-scheduled for me instead of charging me, which is really what she's supposed to do. She is just the greatest.

I chatted with her for 20 minutes and then headed upstairs for my workout. I debated whether or not to do a full workout and just come into work late. I really don't have a time I have to be into work, but we have a team meeting every Monday at 9am. I decided to just skip the meeting and do a full workout.

But I am soooo glad I did. It was just one of those choices you have to make. I chose my health over work and for me, that's where my priorities lie. My health comes first. Period. I had a wonderful workout. Ashley would have been proud! I did 30 minutes of cardio and then did some back and tricep exercises. I used such heavy weights, I barely made my reps, but it felt so good. After that, I did some chest and bicep work with 12 pound dumbells and then some push-ups and abs on the decline bench. Ashley hasn't been pushing me on my abs lately so I'm taking it into my own hands!! The decline bench is still a challenge for me, but it is such a great exercise.

I ended up feeling just wonderful when I was finished and was glad I chose to do a full workout. Tomorrow I will do kick-boxing. I need to prepare for my first spinning class on Saturday. Ok, I'm still a little scared, but I made a committment to Ashley and will stick to it!!

I Had the Time of My Life...

...and I owe it all to youuuuuuu....

I have had the most wonderful week of my life! I can't even say how truly blessed I am for all of my friends and family. I couldn't be happier. Thank you to everyone who celebrated with me.

Dairy Aire

I started this week off with a bang. Last week was not good for me. I let my emotions get the best of me and ended up only working out twice. Not only that, but while away at the ocean this weekend, I allowed myself to eat anything. Yes, it was the best burger I've had in years probably, yes, it was the best hot fundge sundae I've had in a really long time, but did I have to go to the complete extreme of things? My stomach was seriously unhappy with me. I did ok last night and took Mitch to Quizno's for dinner. It felt good to have something decent in my stomach. This week is going to be much different.

My personal trainer opened up to me this morning and it really meant a lot to me. I really take pride in being someone that people feel comfortable speaking to. But I do know there are times when I open my mouth about things I shouldn't to others. I did that to Debbie last week and I wasn't proud of myself for doing so and really did an injustice to her. I've been working hard lately at not gossiping, but sometimes I fail. It's a really hard habit to break.

But from my conversations with Ashley this morning, I really reinstated how proud of myself I should be for standing up for who I am and what I want out of life. I struggled this weekend with the whole 'last boy' incident, but I truly feel I made the right decision. Maybe it was so hard to let it go because I liked him and I haven't felt that connection with anyone in a long time. But I saw the warning signs and I established that I wanted and deserved better than what he was offering me. I've come a long way since Chuck. And as much as I hate saying that name, I learned valuable life lessons from that situation.

It was kind of a rough weekend, but I see nothing but amazing things coming my way. Lonliness has really creeked my way recently. But I know that if I stay strong, I will get everything I want. I bought myself Pike Place flowers this morning. And tonight I will take to myself. It's going to be a good week. :)

Don't Call it a Comeback

'I've been here for years, rockin' my peers, putting suckas in fear.' So this entry isn't really about my weightloss, it's about my continual search for a man. I wonder if all of my friends, who are married, ever get sick of my dating stories. I have worked my ass off the past year, hell I've worked my ass off the past 4 years to get to where I am mentally, physically and spiritually and this is what comes of it.

This story starts with me meeting a boy. We met a couple of weeks ago and instantly had that feeling that he could be someone really special in my life. We spent a lot of time together and I grew to like him very much. And for some reason, he was shut off. I had a chance on Sunday night to break it off completely, but decided to give it one more chance. We went out on Tuesday night and had a great time together. The more I discussed what he had said to me to people in my life, the more I was told that he wasn't looking for the same thing I was. I treasure my friend's and family's opinion greatly and took their words into consideration for my final decision. Basically, I decided that I want and deserve someone who knows, even in two weeks, that I am someone to not take for granted and to appreciate greatly. I want to meet someone that knows quite quickly that I may be the one. This one was kind of hard because I really liked him, but the one question I ask myself is 'What do I want?' It wasn't what I wanted.

I am damn proud of myself for saying no as many times as I have lately. I will not settle. I am looking for aw-inspiring love and I will not stop until I find it. So to any boy who says to you 'I'm just having fun,' get rid of him instantly. I deserve better and I will find better.

And that my friend, is what I call...closure. NEXT!!

Diggin' Deep

I woke up completely sore today; my abs hurt, my arms hurt, my legs were even a bit stiff. But I woke up at 4:45am and got my happy ass out of bed. I did not want to miss kickboxing. It was the most difficult class I have ever had to get through. I guess it was a combination of being tired and sore and Celeste just working us harder than normal. I had to push through so much pain and fatigue, but I didn't give up. Even towards the end when she said burpies, I did jump squats. She came over at one point and told me how proud she was of me. Ahhhh, tear.

During one of the sessions where we were doing a side kick and then jumping out and squatting and then jumping back up to kick, I had this epiphany. I remembered why I'm doing this. I've been really on track the past couple of weeks and the weight and inches are coming off, but you really do get placid at times. I have been so comfortable with my body, for the most part, lately that sometimes I lose the drive. But I have to keep in the front of my head that I'm not done. I still have at least 70 pounds to get off. It was a great morning. I definitely feel the difference afterwards when pushed that hard. Shoaib said I looked radiant this morning! That's right bitches!!

We're Gonna Pump...You Up!

Man, does my chest hurt like a mofo. Ashley worked my chest ridicously yesterday. It feels good, but it's a very hard area to stretch.

I got to the gym really early this morning. I had intentions of doing the step 'n flex class, but didn't want to waste 20 minutes so I ended up doing 50 minutes of cardio and then some ab work. I used the treadmill mostly with 5 minutes of rowing machine and bike just to kind of mix it up. I was getting pretty tired towards the end, but I stuck with it and was fine. My sleeping habits the past week have not been the greatest. And I've had this headache for over a week that just won't go away.

I'm having a hard time relaxing, I just feel stressed all the time. I am usually not like this. I am going to take a night to myself tonight and do everything I can to get over this. A bubble bath is in definite order my friends.

In related news, I have done really well on my diet and weighed in lighter than I have in a forever ever if ever ever. Well, not ever ever that I remember anyway. High school doesn't count. Yeah for weightloss!

I can't wait for my kickboxing class on Thursday!!

Escardonme!

I feel awesome today!! And thank goodness it's cooler. Whew, yesterday was a kick in the pants! I did my kickboxing workout today and afterwards, I did 13 more minutes on the treadmill and about 10 minutes worth of abs and stretching. Time goes by so fast when you're having fun! :) We had a bunch of new people in the class this morning. I was helping this one girl out, she's never done kickboxing before. I've been doing it so long now, that I forgot how coordinated you have to be to get the moves down. And I will again show my evil side and say she was a skinny and was having trouble getting through the class. It was cool helping her though, I felt like I actually knew something and it gave me a little taste of what it could be like if I ever went into that field. I do have to say that as much as I'm working on my endurance with the burpies and everything, I freakin' hate mountain climbers.

I had to stop kicking a few times 'cause my hamstrings were so tight from yesterday's workout. Ashley worked my legs and they feel wonderful today. She had me do quad curls with 70 pounds (ouch), then burpies with the bose ball where you place your hands on the bose ball, jump out with your feet, bounce your feet out and then in, jump in and then lift the bose ball over your head. Had to do that for a minute. It actually wasn't that bad and was kind of fun. Bose balls are the half balls where one side is flat and the other is a squishy bubble that is used for stablization and really works your muscles. After that we did leg presses and hamstring curls. It was a great workout. I did some ab work after that and was doing the thing where you lay on your back holding an exercise ball in your hands and you lift the ball while lifting your legs and at the top, you move the ball in between your legs and then go down and come back up and move the ball to your arms again. First of all: ouch. Second of all: not very pretty and I ended up letting out a big fart during one of my reps! Omg!! It was freakin' hilarious.

I hope we do arms tomorrow! They're feeling kind of mushy!

The Hike

Man, was I nervous to go on this hike with my good friends Cori and Micah Balls. But I made a committment to myself and them and went for it. I have the greatest time with them, we had a blast driving up. It was so beautiful when we got there. The hike up was challenging for me. I was sweating like a pig and niether Cori or Micah were even short of breath most of the time. It really made me realize how far I have to go. I didn't end up making it all the way, I think we climbed for 2-21/2 miles out of 3. We hit snow and besides my total exhaustion, I knew I wouldn't have made it very far in the snow. They were so understanding and patient with me. I didn't have to take too many breaks, but I was quite touched by their concern. We did stop at the top of this amazing view and it was absolutely breathtaking. We finished our lunches and chatted a bit and then headed down. Going down is ten times easier for me, but I definitely felt the altitude change in my body and I didn't realize until the very end how worn out I was. And falling 4 times didn't help! :) When we got to the car, I felt sick. It eventually went away after awhile. I was proud of myself for doing it, but also kind of disappointed that it wasn't easier for me. But I hope I get to get out with them at least a couple of more times before the end of the summer. They always motivate me towards my goals.

I woke up feeling good. A bit tired from the lack of sleep due to the pyros in the neighborhood, but I was still able to get to my kickboxing class on time. I could tell that my right leg was a bit sore from one of the falls I had during the hike, but other than that, I was fine. I didn't have enough energy to do more cardio afterwards, but I did do some additional ab work and made sure I stretched really well.

It was a good experience. Now I won't fear hikes no longer!

Step 'n Flex

I finally made it to step 'n flex class this morning!! Yayyy! It was tough, but I'm so glad I did it. I wish there was a bit more cardio involved, but it definitely is going to help me with my endurance. I feel really good!

And I overate on accident a bit last night, but fought the urge to upchuck. And I stopped eating as soon as I felt the fullness coming on. So yayyy for good things!

I'm Back!

After a good weekend where I pushed through leg soreness by swimming on Saturday and jogging yesterday in the hot, hot heat, I met with my personal trainer this morning for an incredibly exhausting workout. I had to work hard not to get sick. I did 25 minutes on the eliptical before she hobbled over to get me. We did a circuit where I had to do 1 minute of squat skates and then 1 minutes of push-ups. Holy moly, we did that 3 times. My arms felt like they were going to fall off. After that, she asks me if I could handle 15 pound weights for arm presses. Being the trooper that I am, I was all for it. Why do I get myself into these situations? The next circuit was 1 minute of jump rope and then one minute of arm presses on the ball with 15 pound weights. I don't know how I did it. I had to stop a few times and walk in place so I didn't get sick. It was really hard, but I pushed through it. We were actually suppose to do more, but that took all of our time. I felt kind of bad, usually I kick more butt than that.

I spoke with Ashley about my eating disorder and she was really supportive. She actually told me she's struggled with a similiar thing and knew exactly where to send me. I could tell she was happy that I came to her and she gave me the biggest hug and it was all I could do not to start balling right there. I am so glad I opened up to her and I can't wait to get into a clinic for further support. I want to beat this, I will beat this.

I feel awesome today. My co-worker even said I looked radiant and told me that I inspire him. What a great start to a great day!! Now if only the AC worked. :)

Pushing Through

I was carrying a dirty secret last week. I had started to make myself throw up after allowing myself to overeat during late day meals. I wasn't talking about it because I was embarassed and ashamed, but I had an incredibly wonderful friend confront me about it. It was exactly what I needed. I can't thank her enough for caring enough and having the balls enough to do that. I then began to open up about it and used my support system to start paving the way to overcoming it. I have asked for some personal time with my personal trainer this weekend to discuss it with her. This is a big step for me, I have never disclosed this struggle I've had for the past few months with her at all. But I know she will guide me to right support system and help me overcome it. I guess it's something I should have done awhile ago.

It's quite a viscious cycle. You feel out of control and you actually get to a point where you justify it. This week, I've just been taking small steps to get back on track. I haven't overeaten in 3 days and I've worked out Mon and Wed. I overslept yesterday or I would have been at my step and flex class. I feel good, not 100% yet, but things are on the right path.

I got to spend a wonderful evening with my boyfriend last night. It's kind of weird to say that. And tonight, I get to spend with my brother and am way excited. We're going to dinner and the to the Fall Out Boy concert at the Tacoma Dome. It should be fun. I am more excited to spend time with Mitch than the concert. :) Life is good. I have the best friends in the world and they have helped me get through this rough patch. Thank you!!

Burnt Out

This last week has been difficult. I have had cravings up the ying yang, I've had to make myself go to the gym, I am just burnt out and I'm not sure where it's coming from. If it's work, lack of sleep, working out or all of the above. I overate at dinner last night. Why? I don't know. I don't know why sometimes I do that. I know I'm going to fill like crap afterwards, I know it's not good for me. So then why? Am I sabatoging myself? If so, what am I afraid of? And if that's not it, am I just tired and loopy? Or maybe I'm just being too hard on myself. I tend to do that. It wasn't like I binged or anything, I just ate a whole sandwich at CPK, when I know I am full after a half. I hate it because I feel like my workout with Ashley was wasted. It's so frustrating sometimes. But all I can do is forget about it and do better today.

I did go to kickboxing class this morning despite my exhaustion. It was hard, I was so tired. I wanted to quit, but I didn't. I worked through the pain. I'm glad I did it. I didn't have the energy to do any extra cardio afterwards like I usually do, but I'm still satisfied. And I think I'll be ok the rest of the week on my eating.

Ashley is going to be gone next week and she gave me homework to take care of me. I've decided to stay home on Sunday instead of heading down to Spanaway. I need a day to sleep in and rest. And maybe spend some time with the new boy. Hee hee.

I've decided to mimick the workout Ashley had me do on Monday next week while she's gone. My legs have never felt better! Here it is:

Exercise: Weight: Reps:
Burpie with push up - 30sec x 15
Pliet Squat 10 lbs m. ball 30sec x 15
Mt. climbers - 30 sec x 15
Lunge walk - 2 laps
Jump Rope - 30 sec x 15
Bridges on ball - 30 sec x 15

It is possibly the hardest workout I've ever done. Make sure to do at least 30 min. of cardio before this if you dare!! ;) Burpies with push ups is where you jump out with your feet and then jump out, do a push up, jump in and then stand up. Bridges on ball is where you take the exercise ball and lie on your back with your feet on the ball. You then push in with the ball, lifting yourself with your legs. You're suppose to keep your hips up at all times while you're doing the in and out movement, but I could only lift my hips on the lift. This really works your hamstrings.

Yesterday we worked on the back, which is my favorite. My back is looking so nice these days, I just feel like I'm turning into a lady and it feels good. :)

Breast Stroke

Shirley! You are so sweet. Burpies are when you lean on your hands and jump out and then back in, stand and then do it all over again. And mountain climbers are when you are leaning on your hands and moving your feet back and forth on the ground. Those are hard to explain. :)

I went swimming today for the first time in months. I was going once every two weeks for awhile, but now that my pool is open I've decided to get back into it. I really just don't like driving to Bellevue to use a pool. It was kind of hard today since I haven't done it in so long. My goal was an hour and I did just under that. My routine was a lap of freestyle, lap of breast stroke (my favorite) and a lap of back stroke. With some kick practices in between 'cause you have to kick from your hips and not with your knees and it's hard to get down when you've been kicking with your knees all your life. Anyway, I'm glad I did it. The weird thing about swimming is that you have to change your breathing routine. You're suppose to breathe in through you nose and out your mouth in all other exercises, but with swimming you have to breathe in with your mouth and out with your mouth. That, and you smell like chlorine the rest of the day. :)

I hate it when I take my multi-vitamin and it makes me kind of nauseus (I never know how to spell that) for a bit. Bleh. Go away!!

Ashley wants to shoot for 5% in this next upcoming contest. I can do it!!

So, I didn't go to cycling class OR kickboxing class on Thur or Fri. I ended up taking Thur off from working out completely. It actually felt really good to take a day off. And I was just too tired to wake up at 4:30 am to get to cycling class by 6 on Friday. What are they thinking? But I did do my own kickboxing routine on Friday. I love having the kickboxing room all to myself. I bring in some cds and put the fan on and just do what I love. I listened to Garbage this time, it was awesome! And I did jump roping and mountain climbers and push-ups and of course a lot of punches and kicks. Loved it!!

I hope I have time to run before meeting my family tomorrow morning. That would give me 4 just cardio days this week. I might be too pooped after the Gwen Stefani concert tonight though. I'm excited! I hope it's a good show.

Burpies!

Ahhhh man, I was called to the floor by the gym gods and I answered back y'all! I started off on the eliptical and went up to resistance 7. I did that for 5 minutes, which got my heartrate over 170, and then hopped on the bike for 10 minutes because that's when the soreness of me bum starts to mess with my mind. I did resistance 13 for most of it, but dipped to 12 for a minute here and there to give myself a rest. I then went back to the eliptical and did level 7 for 10 minutes. I was kind of already pooped by the time I met Ashley.

Ok, so I told Ashley on Monday that in kickboxing class, we do burpies and mountain climbers and I really wanted to get better at them 'cause I struggle with those type of exercises. Well, she delivered as usual. The ciruit today started off with 15 push-ups, then went to one minute of burpies, then to 15 minutes of chest pushes on level 55!, then to one minute of mountain climbers and then 15 tricep lifts with a medicine ball. Yeah, I did that circuit 3 times! Whew! It was so hard. And Ashley said to me that I shouldn't have pushed myself before a session with her, but I thought that was kind of wonky. Anyway, I got through it and I'm glad she incorporated those killer exercises because I would really like to improve in that area. She is such a positive spirit in my life. She wrote me an email today saying how well I did today and that I inspire her. I wish I could express to her how much she has helped me get through all of the tough times I've overcome after my last relationship. I can't thank her enough. I feel so lucky and blessed to have her in my life.

And I got great news that my gym is starting a summer fat burning contest that runs from the end of June to the end of August! I am super excited. I am shooting for 3%. Maybe I can even get to 4%! Yayyy!

Happiness

I'm happy. I'm truly happy. That's all...

The Push

There comes a time in every girl's fitness journey where she has to raise the bar. I have noticed that my cardio routines don't get my heart rate up as high as I need them to be and I have to change my routines. That means, harder, faster and more pain. But I gotta push through the pain!! I'm going to be brave this week and do a cycle class Friday morning. Holy moly, I'm scared. But I was scared when I first went to my kickboxing class and I love that so much, I do every week now. So this will be a great thing!

I'm on a new eating schedule. I was eating my fruit parfaits before the gym and then realized that I was really hungry afterwards and my banana and almonds just weren't cutting it. So this week I am eating an egg and a half piece of cheese before the gym and eating the parfait afterwards. So far so good. I usually eat lunch at 11:30 and it's now 12:30 and I'm still not that hungry.

I was surprised that I wanted to use the treadmill this morning after my run yesterday. My legs weren't sore at all from yesterday. My usual treadmill routine is 4 min. incline of 5, 1 min. incline of 0, jog for 1 min., 1 min. incline of 0, 2 min. incline of 5, 1 min. incline of 0, 1 min. of jogging etc. So this didn't produce the heart rate I needed this morning so I discussed it with Ashley during our session and she suggested doing 2 min. of walking and then 2 min. of jogging. I will try it next time I use the treadmill. And in general, I'm just going to have to up my resistance on all the machines now. Here comes the push ladies and gents!!

Ashley worked my back today and my lats feel awesome! I have noticed such a big difference in my arms and back lately, thanks to my lovely personal trainer. I hope I can work with her throughout this entire process. I wonder why we haven't done legs in awhile. Oh, I didn't tell you about the ab workout she had me do. You lie on your back with an exercise ball. You then spread your legs wide, lift them up to a 90 degree angle as you life the ball from your head to between your legs, you then shut your legs and as you go down, you lower the ball down to over your head. Oh...my...gollygeewillickers. It was hard! But I felt it quickly and that is my kind of exercise!!

Just going to do cardio tomorrow. Ashley wants me to do 4 days of just cardio now. There's just not enough days in a week to do everything you want to. I can't remember the last time I did Pilates and it makes me sads...

Cravings

You know you're pmsing when you go to Bartell's for a snack and get a small thing of reduced chocolate milk and a small bag of white cheddar popcorn. ;) I told my co-worker what I had yesterday and he was like 'That seriously makes me want to throw up.' Ha ha!

This week has been hard. I was walking back from the gym this morning and I saw corn dogs on a bus ad and was about to jump through the bus to get one. And then I saw a picture of chocolate chip cookies!! Ugghhhhh! I love chocolate chip cookies. But I stayed strong and will fight these urges until they go away. Take a deep breath and count to ten.

I feel so good today, which is a relief because I was at the breaking point yesterday. I can't remember ever being that tired before. And for some reason, Ashley worked my arms again and they were still sore from Monday! We worked my shoulders mostly, but then she pulled the big guns out and made me do more tricep work. Oh...my...word. But I got through it and felt good. It didn't wake me up at all though.

I made it to kick-boxing class this morning and it was a doosey! But it was fun. I really need to get better at mountain climbers, I suck at those. Can you do push-ups for an entire minute? I can!! Owie zowie, that hurt. After class, I rode the bike for 10 minutes and then did a bunch of ab/leg work. I ended up working out for an hour and a half today. I didn't even mean to. It was worth it though 'cause I feel better than I have in a long time! It feels good to not be walking around her like a zombie. :)

Bench Press

I can't believe I got through my workout yesterday morning. I am still just pooped from the riguorous weekend. It took me awhile to get out of bed yesterday morning so I didn't step on the eliptical until 10 after 7. I only got 20 minutes of cardio in. Poop. And then this is the circuit Ashley made me do:

-15 bench press reps (50 pounds!)
-15 normal decline bench crunch reps
-15 tricep press reps (25 pounds!)
-15 decline bench w/ 5 pound weight punch reps (working the obliques)
-15 push-ups

After doing that cirucuit 3 times it was...

-15 cable fly reps
-15 cable lat pull reps on each arm

3 TIMES!

I was exhausted. And I could barely move my arms.

The scale keeps going up this week. I am wondering what's going on so I am being stricter on my diet and making sure I get enough sleep. I don't feel like I'm gaining weight, but it very well could be muscle mass or my scale. The scale fluctuates up to 8 pounds. I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't be weighing myself everyday, but for some reason, I feel a need.

I took a much needed break from working out today. I am so tired and cranky and just want to go to bed. I can't wait to sleep.

Pooped!

This weekend was the Relay for Life supporting the American Cancer Society. I joined a team with my co-workers and we spent all weekend together at this event. We had half an hour shifts for a continuous 24 hour period. Most of us only got a couple of hours of sleep, if any. One of our members, Kurt, beat testicle cancer a few months ago. It was great to be there supporting him and have him experience this as a survivor.

I was actually surprised how big this event was. There were a lot of people there. The weather was awesome, but it didn't make running around the track easy. I ran the whole time for my first shift and ended up getting heat stroke. It wasn't that bad and I was really proud that I was able to run for a half an hour straight in 80 degree weather. I was really taken back at the support of my co-workers for accomplishing that. I ran a lot on Saturday during my shifts. It was kind of crazy.

I didn't run at all today. I was pretty beat. I only got 3 hours of sleep last night. Each team is supposed to have at least one member on the track at all periods of time so there wasn't much time for us to get much more than a few hours of rest. But we had a great time. I ended up leaving a tad early while they were doing the finale ceremony. I was so tired. And of course it was hot and my apartment is like hell when it's hot. I came home, took a shower and putzed around the computer for awhile before taking a nap.

I was really warm from all the sun I have gotten this weekend. I ended up going down to my pool and swam laps for a half an hour this evening. I have no idea how I had energy to do this, but it felt good. I haven't been swimming regularly and I miss it.

I hope I got below 240 pounds this weekend. We shall see tomorrow morning. It was a good, but exhausting weekend. And tomorrow morning I have session with my personal trainer. I haven't not worked out in over a week. Eeek!

Demons

'The devil's trying to hold me down. All I hope for is that my feet don't fail me now.'

I crashed last night. I crashed hard. I have always had to fight a subconscious battle of sabotage within myself. There is some fear in me that either doesn't think I can succeed or doesn't feel I deserve it. Finding the reason why these feelings exist is the hard part. I've been successful in other areas of my life and I am one motivated woman so this struggle frustrates me. Maybe from all the name calling and negative feed back about my weight through the years affected me deeper than I realize. To tell myself that I'm beautiful and really mean it is a difficult thing for me.

I usually eat dinner before tutoring, but I ate a late lunch yesterday and wasn't really hungry by the time I had to leave work for the tutoring center. After the sessions, I went to the store and was starving at this point. I made a salad from the salad bar, grabbed a ciabatta roll and a bag of Sour Cream and Yogurt Kettle chips. What happened? Well, I'll tell you. I ate way too much and ended up freaking out and making myself throw up as much as I could. I struggled with this a lot after the break-up of my last relationship. And it took me awhile to stablize, but somehow last night I just kind of freaked out. And I think the fact that I'm getting measured today for the fat burning contest might have had something to do with it.

So, where to go frome here? I forgive myself and move on and work hard at not letting it happen again. I had a great workout this morning, did kickboxing class, 10 min. of bike and a bunch of oblique/hip/butt toning exercises. I feel good. I feel ok. I'm not going to let this experience get me. I am in control and I forgive myself.

My head is spinning...

I was soooo dizzy today. I kind of thought it had something to do with not taking my medication for over a day since I forgot to bring some down with me. I managed to get a lot done regardless though. I did advanced Taebo today. Man, was I sweating. I did pretty well, I was proud of myself. The only thing about Billy Blanks that bugs me is the constant counting, but I guess it's there for a reason. I did that for 35 minutes and then did toning on my shoulders, back and legs.

I had a pretty good day. I spent 2 hours cleaning my dad's garage. I kept active all day long even with not feeling too well.

I kicked ass on my eating today! Wahoo! Btw, 2 pieces of licorice has 140 calories. Eek! Not a light snack at all. I resisted pizza and ice cream cravings today. I don't know why I've struggled with cravings so much the past couple of days. It might be because I didn't take my flaxseed oil either day.

I'm watching Oprah right now and they're discussing how african americans struggle with being black. It's very interesting. I can't imagine dealing with that scrutiny from others, even others of the same skin color. Self-worth is such a hard thing to gain and maintain. I have dealt with it all my life. Growing up overweight and being made fun constantly really took a toll on me. And the verbal abuse I got from my father made it even worse. My low self-worth got me into 2 really bad relationships in the past couple of years and even allowed someone of real negativity bring me down. I thought she was my friend, but she wasn't. Coming off of probably the lowest time of my life after my last relationship was extremely difficult. I was in so much pain. I had so many people make me wrong for making mistakes. But somehow, I managed to stay focused on my end goals, stay strong, dig deep and now I feel solid. I still have emotional breakdowns, but they are far and few between these days. I am so enjoying being a strong woman. For the first time, I know what I want and I won't stop until I get it.

I am kind of scared to weigh myself tomorrow morning. I only have 3 days before the fat burning contest is over. I really want to be under 240 by then. After that, I have 3 months to get under 200. I noticed today that I feel better when I count calories. I've kind of slacked off the past week and it makes me weary and uneasy. I'm going to make it a point to count everyday. It helps me stay focused.

Ok, off to bed!

You poked my yoke!

I am still sore from my run this morning. I can't believe I was able to do so much on so little sleep. And I felt kind of mushy and really wanted to do some toning, but knew I really needed a cardio day so I resisted and all was well in the world.

Today was pretty good until my dad decided to go on a rampage. We were supposed to go see Pirates III, but apparently that will have to wait. It kind of sucks because we had all had such a great day before 'the incident.' I know he struggles with it so much and feels terrible guilt from it. It kills me to see. It has gotten so much better and we all are working together to find hormonious unity, but sometimes it is such a struggle. But we will find our way.

Today was my great grandmother's 88th bday. We went over to visit and help celebrate and I got to meet her younger sister whom I don't remember at all. There's a whole bunch of our family that lives on Vashon Island that we don't see very often. Lately, I have really had an inkling to get to know the older generation of our family better. I am going to help plan a family reunion with my grams and also get all the old ladies to go whale watching again. We did it a few years back and it was a lot of fun. It makes me feel good to know where I came from and learn of relatives I never got to meet. My cookie grandma (great great grandma) lost 3 sons in WWII. Their names are on the memorial down in Olympia. One was, I think Harry Rhodes, was killed in Pearl Harbor. That's some major history. I guess I also take on this responsibility since I'm the oldest of my generation and I really want them to be remembered and have their stories told.

The only bad thing I ate today was black licorice. I was fighting some major chocolate cravings, but didn't give in. I stayed strong and stuck to cherries. And they were some good cherries. Oh, I found turkey jerky (I love saying that) at Costco and bought some, but then thought it was gross. But I did accidently get the teriyaki kind so maybe that's it. It was quite disappointing. It would be a great low fat/high protein diet.

Ok, offs to bed. Hope everyone had a wonderful day!

Adventures with Shirley

Elizabeth and I hit the town this evening. We met at Bahama Rama Breeze and had ourselves a delightful appetizer and delicious entree. I ate until I was full, fuller than I usually allow myself to get. I kind of freaked out a bit, but knew we would burn some calories later bowling. We had a great conversation at dinner and then went shopping where we both dropped a pretty dime. Dangerous territory. I still haven't dropped a pant size since, which is kind of disappointing. But we got some cute clothes nonetheless.

Elizabeth introduced me to her favorite skinny store, Forever 21, and we both claimed that we would one day shop there. I can't wait. After shopping, we headed to Acme bowl and bowled two games. She whooped me bum, but that's ok because later on at her house, I whooped her and her husband's bum at Dread Pirate. Which is a game I've decided I must have.

I feel ok with eating more than usual and I feel in control. I even had some chips at E's house, but didn't go crazy. And I'm going to bed kind of hungry. Tomorrow I will do better and get a good run in. I am anxious because this is the last week for the fat burning contest. I really want to win, I have really worked my bum off the past few weeks. My fingers are crossed!!