I'm weeeeeeeeeened!

After a very disturbing visit to my now ex-pshychiatrist a few months ago, I decided to start weening myself off of my anti-depressants. I started taking them during a really tough part of my life and have recovered from that and found great happiness internally. And my now ex-pshychiatrist said he didn't know why I was taking them.

Well ladies and gentlemen, after a long and slow process, I am completely free of my anti-depressants!! Never to enter my body again (knock on wood). I feel more alive and more like myself. Of course, I'm a little more emotional, but that is just me. And to be quite honest, I like being emotional because it makes me feel alive. I felt numb on effexor.

Anyway, just wanted to share my good news!!

Hiking on up...on the south side

It's been too long, where have I been? Working out, that's where!! :)

In my quest on getting fit, I made a decision a couple of weeks ago to start climbing up the steep hills on my way to work instead of taking escalators and elevators in avoidance. It's been great! I get to work refreshed and energized. It's still hard and I breathe rather rapidly all the way to work, but I know it's good for me and I need to do it!

I've also been trying to go for walks after lunch. And I haven't been accepting any of my lame excuses to not go to the gym. I've gone when completely exhausted, headachy and busy. No more excuses!! Matt's been really good too. I see a change in both of us.

Well, gotta go climb up some more hills!!

Whoopsidaisy doo!

I haven't been so tired and felt so good all at the same time in quite awhile. After a week hiatus last week from working out due to illness, I hit this week hard with determination and spunk! I've worked out 4 out of the 5 day work week and only missed Wed because we ended up having to drive to Marysville to score a couple of bar stools for $20.

Ashley had to cancel our training session yesterday, but she had a spot open this morning and I took it. Of course without thinking that I was going to be out late because we were going to see the Phantom of the Opera. It was hard to get up, but I did it and it was good. Ashley is doing really well at easing me into full swing. I am quite taken back by how much muscle memory I really do have. Earlier in the week I did chest pumps with 15 pound dumbbells. I would have never thought I could do that!

So I'm on my way. It's going to be a long road, but I am determined. Now if I can only defeat Deb's chocolate fountain this weekend....

I NEED DISCIPLINE!!

Despite my many attempts to get myself motivated, I realized that it just wasn't happenin. It's been weighing on me heavily lately, I was concerned about my health and fearful that I would never lose the weight. Then a beautiful angel by the name of Ashley text messaged me yesterday out of the blue and told me she was going to be working at my downtown gym on Saturday and asked if I wanted to come in for a training session.

I was taken back at first since I haven't trained with her in 9 months, but deep down (ok, not so deep), I knew I had to do it. So I purchased $300 worth of sessions (only $41 a session!!) and made an appt. with Ash.

It was great. I needed it. I'm tired and I know I'll be sore tomorrow, but I feel such a heavy weight off my shoulders. I needed help and I have it again. I don't know what prompted her to text me, but I'm thankful as hell.

1 Year Anniversary!!

Matt and I decided to re-create our 'real' first date on our 1 year anniversary last night. We first went to Jai Thai on Broadway for dinner. It was delicious! I had the Garlic Galor and Matt had some weird seafood dish. We ended the meal with Jasmine tea and great conversation.

After dinner, we walked over to Dilletante to share a hot fudge sundae (the best we've ever had btw), but they were closed!! We couldn't believe it! It was disappointing, but we ended up walking to B&O Espresso and I had mousse and he had bread pudding. It was very good. Not as good as the sundae at Dilletante though. Doh!

After B&O we walked up to the Lincoln Reservoir where we had stood and embraced 1 year ago. If you haven't been there, it is quite a beautiful place to be. The water features there are phenomenal. We sat on the wall and watched the waterfall and waited for these punk kids to move from our 'spot.' They never did and I think Matt was getting impatient and led us closer to the waterfall. He then got on one knee, pulled out my ring and I think asked me to marry him. I'm not quite sure though because I lost my shit and just embraced him and started balling. We hugged and cried for a few minutes and told each other how much we love each other and finally we put the ring on! It is just beautiful! I can't stop looking at it. I fell in love with this ring a few weeks back. It's from 1890, a very romantic period in England. I felt a real connection to this ring. I could tell it was made from love and was taken care of because whomever had it loved the ring as much as whomever made it loved them.

It was just an amazing night! I love this man sooooo much. The sweetest thing he said that night was 'I want to raise a family with you.' Ahhhhh! But dang, now I have to have kids. ;) I feel so honored and blessed to share my life with Matt. He has made me the happiest and luckiest woman in the world. I'M ENGAGED!! Holy shite! I didn't think it would ever happen!!!

Kick-it Like a Polaroid Picture

I thought I knew what kick-boxing was since I've done it in a million different workouts, but I didn't know kick-boxing until Saturday morning. I signed up with the Modern Martial Arts Academy and had my first semi-private session on Saturday. The instructor went over all of the moves I need to know for the classes and let me tell ya...it was hard!

It was the first time I've done kick-boxing bare foot. I'm not sure how I feel about that. And we had to wear hand wraps and real boxing gloves. It was a completely new experience for me. He made me go through each move a million times to make sure I have the right technique.

As we were finishing, girls for his class started coming in and every single one of them was skinny. I started thinking what did I get myself into, but I know I can do it!

I can't wait to do it again. I hope I continue to keep up with these classes. Yayyy me!!

Trouble at the Storm Front

I am so angry! So, so, so, so angry!! I have worked so hard in my field and I just continue to get brutalized. I am sick of project managers making assumptions about me and my work. Have the balls to come to me and clear it up!

I just want to throw my business cards at her freakin' head! Why do I keep running into these cold women in this field? I swear they forget what it's like to be a young engineer. How the hell am I suppose to learn if you won't teach me?

I want to quit, but I know that's not going to do me or anyone else any good. I will continue to fight through this hardship. Even if I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

I looked up to her. I wanted to learn from her, why did she quit on me? I deserve better than that. I worked hard for her.

Crazy Times

This week has been very eventful and it's only Wednesday! My best friend had her baby yesterday. It was a planned C-section so I knew it was coming, but I had no idea the emotion I would have behind it. I received her last email before giving birth early yesterday and I teared up. I was sad for losing the friendship I've known all these years; yet, excited for a new chapter.

As soon as I got a call from Jeremy giving me an update, all those emotions went away and I was very excited. I didn't think I was actually going to meet the little tyke yesterday, but Matt and I ended up going to visit after work. I have to say Mikayla is a beautiful baby. She's sooooo cute. I never thought I'd see the day where Debbie Deany Weany would have a child. But she did and I'm proud of her.

So yeah, I sacrificed my workout yesterday to meet my best friend's baby. And I'd do it again in a heart beat! It was wonderful!

Oops I...

...over did it again.

Well, once again I totally over did it at the gym today. I got so sick that I couldn't get ready afterwards so Matt and I could go out on the town. Instead we drove around while I laid back until I felt well enough to eat and stand up.

This sickness has got to stop! I don't normally over do it as much as I did today, but I always feel somewhat sick afterwards. I am really under the idealism that you don't have to push yourself that much to get results. But I was trained for months by personal trainers to work this hard.

So Matt and I made a new rule today: no grimacing. If you are grimacing while lifting weights, you are working too hard.

I know part of the reason I over did it today is because I haven't worked out at all this week and I was trying to make up for it. I haven't been feeling well the last couple of weeks. I've really allowed my emotional stress get the best of me. But I've been really even on my diet and that's great.

Here are the positive things I've done this week:

-Drank only one soda (I've been substituting with green tea or jasmine green tea, which is my new favorite tea)
-Making sure I eat a lot of fruit during the day
-Didn't eat any delicious sweets at our company picnic
-Didn't get a free small popcorn at the movies

My goals next week are to workout 4 times and loose 2 pounds.

First Hike

Matt and I went on our first hike of the summer today at Twin Falls near Snoqualmie. I was kind of hesitant knowing how hard hikes are for me still, but Matt insisted and I knew it would be good for both of us.

He remembered it being a pretty easy and short hike, but oh were we surprised by long, steep grades for most of the duration of the hike. It was a pretty tough hike up. I had to stop a lot to catch my breath. At one time, I was so tired that I wanted to quit, but Matt kept urging me on.

It was more than worth it. It was absolutely gorgeous. I could have stared at those falls for hours. I am so proud of us for getting out and getting through it together. It was a great experience.

We really do round each other out well. I am good at pushing us to the gym and he is good at pushing us outside. It's a great thing.

I have been working really hard lately on not being negative about splurges or missing a workout. So I've decided to share and celebrate my successes and brush off any negative thinking.

These are the successes I am proud of this week:

-Worked out on Monday even though I had a headache
-Only allowed myself one soda for the week.
-Ordered a turkey wrap and fruit at Rock Bottom for lunch when I was starving and really wanted a burger.
-Had frozen yogurt instead of ice cream at Pike Place Market today.
-Ate raw vegetables almost every day.
-Bought fudge bars instead of ice cream for this hot weekend.

Mother's Day

Well, after weeks of hearing and seeing Mother's Day advertising, it's finally over. What a rough week. From having to take Tuesday off because I needed a day to cry and reflect (as well as throwing things at every Mother's Day commercial I saw) to dealing with my grandma taking out the family drama on me last night, it's finally over.

I have had to be a support system for my dad, brother and grandma this week and it really left me hardly any time to reflect or deal with the pain in my heart that I feel. And it's finally hitting me. All I want to do is curl up in bed and cry, but I know I have to be strong and keep going.

I wonder if this day will ever be easy. Even when I have my own kids. I miss my mom.

INSPIRATIONS

To get myself back into the weightloss game, I decided to put down on paper what my big inspirations are for losing the weight. I am quite disappointed that I have gained back more weight (and more weight than I'd like to admit) and my focus on my weightloss journey has been lackluster for the past few months. These inspirations have helped me kick-start my journey again:

Love: Inspiration to love myself enough to complete this journey.

Hiking: Inspiration to go on a hike and not get embarassingly winded.

Wedding: Inspiration to look good in my wedding dress.

Having a child: Inspiration to have enough energy and endurance to enjoy my child.

Healthy Heart: Inspiration to stay healthy and live long.

Personal Trainer: Inspiration to be able to do my dream job.

Sexy shoes: Inspiration to be able to wear these shoes for an entire evening.

Pilates: Inspiration to do this move for more than 2 seconds.

The Beach: Inpiration to feel good in a bathing suit.

Roller Coasters: Inspiration to never fear not fitting into the seat of a ride.

Skinny Jeans: Inspiration to look killer in jeans.

These are my inspirations.

Holy Cheesecake Batman!!

I was sooooo proud of myself yesterday. I went out to lunch for a KPUFF ex-co-worker's bday and we ordered a chocolate cheesecake (heeelllllooooo sweetness!) and I didn't even have one bite! Man, that was hard. It looked so creamy and delicious.

I've dropped some weight and inches lately and that's the first time I've been able to say that in a couple of months. I keep telling people I'm trying to lose my 'in love' weight. Matt's been working out too. Not as much as me, but he's trying. It's been a lot of fun working out with him. He's much like me, once you get him to the gym, he works really hard. We actually made a friend at the gym on Monday. He came up to us and told us how hard we were working and hoped he'd never have to work that hard. Ha! He was a crack up. I hope I see him again.

Life has been pretty good. I found a great job within a week of being laid off and have been working here for 6 weeks now. I can't even tell you how refreshing it is to work with such great people. I feel lucky to have this opportunity.

Matt and I are starting the process of buying a townhouse. I am very excited for this venture. We also have decided to set up a joint savings account for our future endeavors such as wedding, travels, pets and little wiggles (kids). Yayyy for us! I have to say I love this man more than I ever imagined I could love someone. I am so grateful to have him and treasure his presence in my life every day.

I hope to lose 30 pounds before August. I want to feel good when we go to Mexico! I can't freakin' wait!! Yahooooo!

Inner Strenth

I had a blow to my career yesterday when I was let go from my job. I have had quite a struggle at this particular firm, but decided to stick it out and work through the challenges as opposed to moving elsewhere. It's funny because I have turned down more than one job offer during my 2 and a half years at KPFF, but kept giving KPFF a chance to prove themselves to be a firm I could see myself at for a few years.

Ever since I came to KPFF, I felt like I was in a deep rabbit hole, trying to dig my way up to the surface and get the respect and appreciation I deserved. I never got there, no matter how hard I tried or worked. I am baffled. I have never worked so hard and for the team I worked for to do nothing, but put me down because I'm not where they think I should be ate at my soul.

I feel like KPFF failed me. I had struggled with the idea of working with that team because I didn't feel that they were the kind of people I want to work for. I am more relieved that I don't have to be associated with those kind of engineers.

I made so many great friends, especially Matt, at KPFF and wouldn't take away my time there. I do; however, wish I would have made the move before they did. I stayed so long because of the people, instead of taking care of my career and I learned the hard way that that is not a reason to stay at a firm.

I'm excited to see what opportunities await me, but I'm also scared. I feel an inner strength arising that I haven't felt in a long time. And if this is what needed to happen to kind of wake me up, instead of being comfortable, than I am glad it happened.

I'm sure I'll have at least one job offer tomorrow from the calls I made yesterday, but I hope I get to take a little time off before stepping back into work. I need it.

The Battle of the Turkey Kelbasa!

So, Matt and I have different pallets and he has always said that he didn't like the kelbasa. I have always been a big fan and crave this delicious treat from time to time, but was sad that I couldn't make it for dinner ever. We went grocery shopping last night and I was wanting a hot dog type thing for dinner. He decided to eat brauts and I picked up a turkey kelbasa, which is pretty lean. He ended up eating crab instead, but after dinner he tried my turkey kelbasa and liked it! We even had the left overs for lunch today.

So that my friend...is another battle won in the Berry-Bateman household. So far, I have made Matt realize he likes frozen yogurt and turkey kelbasa. I can't wait for the next battle...oatmeal!!

Where am I going to swim now?

So, I hobble into the gym this morning and notice all these random lockers aligned against the walls of the locker room. At first, I wasn't concerned about it, I just thought they might be remodeling. But then I hear people talking about how they closed the Bellevue club. And then I realized that the lockers just hanging around are the ones they had in the Bellevue club. Great. Where the hell am I suppose to swim now??!! I mean, I'm just up in arms about this. \../

I really like my gym and don't want to switch, but this is a major blow to my cardio regiment and my future goal of wanting to do a sprint triathlon. I don't know what to do. And then they sqeezed all of Bellevue's equipment onto the gym floor and there's no room to do floor work. I am really quite perturbed.

Matt's gym in downtown has a pool, but it's not in a convienant location to work. I'm already getting into work at 9am and I'm not sure if I can get up much earlier to allow for that extra walk. But maybe when Matt and I move closer to downtown, I could change it up.

And then on top of that bad news, I am eating strangely the past couple of days. I just had a burger and onion rings. What the hell? And last night, I shared a piece of cheesecake with Matt. I know I'm on my monthly and my stomach's been wonky, but this is ridiculous. I need to put a stop to this. I think I'm going to start counting calories again for awhile. I know that will help. I just hate knowing that I had a great workout this morning and I ate fried things for lunch. Sheesh!

How am I going to lose the weight?

Silly people, Weight Watchers is for kids!

I was telling a friend the other day about my goal to become a nutritionist/trainer and focus on obese kids, but I wanted to reach my weight loss goal before I really got into it and she asks 'How are you going to lose the weight, Weight Watchers?' I thought it was really funny. And it really makes you realize how skinny people don't have a clue.

Not that Weight Watchers doesn't have benefits for some, it's just not how you go about losing a large amount of weight and keeping it off. Not to mention, I am on a journey to gain knowledge on what foods are good for me and include those in my diet. I'm not the kind of person to just eat whatever, but make sure I don't go over 'points.' It's not my gig and if I told my trainer I was going on Weight Watchers, she'd laugh me right out of the gym!

I guess the comment also kind of pissed me off. I mean, I've lost almost a 100 pounds to date and I know how to lose weight, I just haven't dropped that much since I've really known her. But I also kind of think that it made me realize how far I could be right now if I would have stayed focused. I forgive myself for the weight gain I had during my abusive relationship with Chuck, but I know I could be a lot farther now than I am.

It is a disappointment, but you can't let it get you down. All you can do is keep going. I have had such a new focus since the New Year and I feel like my old self again! My personal trainer even told me the other day that a lot of her clients have been commenting on how hard I work at the gym. I definitely don't waste my time at the gym. If I don't leave soaking with sweat, I didn't work hard enough. It felt good to hear that.

A Whole New Light

I don't know if it's because the new year is amongst us, but I have approached a whole new energy in me. I actually did kind of make a New Year's resolution; even though, I don't really believe in them, to stay more focused on my personal goals. The biggest of course is my weight loss, others being starting my new careers and working harder while at work.

I made Matt work out with me on Sunday and we're going to do it again tomorrow and on the weekend. We went to the grocery store together and got tons of healthy food for the week. And I have been going to the gym everyday before work. I finally feel like my old focused self again. It took awhile, but I stayed focused and didn't let what I saw as my failure hold me down. I'm excited to see what the next few months bring. And I hope I'm a few pounds and inches lighter!

Yayyy for healthiness!!