Demons

'The devil's trying to hold me down. All I hope for is that my feet don't fail me now.'

I crashed last night. I crashed hard. I have always had to fight a subconscious battle of sabotage within myself. There is some fear in me that either doesn't think I can succeed or doesn't feel I deserve it. Finding the reason why these feelings exist is the hard part. I've been successful in other areas of my life and I am one motivated woman so this struggle frustrates me. Maybe from all the name calling and negative feed back about my weight through the years affected me deeper than I realize. To tell myself that I'm beautiful and really mean it is a difficult thing for me.

I usually eat dinner before tutoring, but I ate a late lunch yesterday and wasn't really hungry by the time I had to leave work for the tutoring center. After the sessions, I went to the store and was starving at this point. I made a salad from the salad bar, grabbed a ciabatta roll and a bag of Sour Cream and Yogurt Kettle chips. What happened? Well, I'll tell you. I ate way too much and ended up freaking out and making myself throw up as much as I could. I struggled with this a lot after the break-up of my last relationship. And it took me awhile to stablize, but somehow last night I just kind of freaked out. And I think the fact that I'm getting measured today for the fat burning contest might have had something to do with it.

So, where to go frome here? I forgive myself and move on and work hard at not letting it happen again. I had a great workout this morning, did kickboxing class, 10 min. of bike and a bunch of oblique/hip/butt toning exercises. I feel good. I feel ok. I'm not going to let this experience get me. I am in control and I forgive myself.